Last Thursday, a New York man wondered aloud to the internet if he could ask his girlfriend to lose weight. The resounding answer, per social media users? A big, fat no.The anonymous male, whose musings were published on Humans of New York’s Facebook page, says that everything in his year-and-a-half-long relationship is great – except for his beloved’s weight.
“At first I told myself I could get past it. I said, ‘Let’s just see how it goes,’ ” he says. “We had excellent dates. Everything else about her was exactly what I wanted.
“We’re going to couple’s therapy next week, but I still don’t think I’ll be able to say it. Is there any right way to ask someone to lose weight for you?”
He can skip his therapists’ co-pay: Many of the more than 9,000 comments on the post roundly shut down his cry for advice.
“The easiest weight she can lose is to drop your sorry deadweight ass,” one user writes.
New York City therapists tend to agree, although the issue is a little more complicated than it appears, they say.
Rachel Sussman, who runs a couples counseling practice in Flatiron, says the issue is common among couples – in fact, two of her clients expressed similar feelings just this week.
“When you see your partner change significantly, it may change the way you feel about them,” she says.
But she strongly advises against telling a partner you’re not attracted to them because of their weight, because “that’s one of the meanest things you can say to someone.”
That said, she’s seen couples successfully navigate the issue by suggesting they should exercise together, or, in extreme cases, showing concern for the partner’s health. But she thinks the anonymous man should assess himself before trying anything else.
“He might find [that he’s] attracted to someone else, that he has intimacy issues, that he loses attraction to his partners after a certain period of time – or he might be super immature,” Sussman says. If so: “Then screw him!”
Midtown-based couples therapist Christina Eller agrees, and adds that asking a partner to lose weight could have serious implications for the rest of that person’s life.
“The ramifications . . . can be endless,” she says. “It could result in the partner on the receiving end developing a serious complex about his or her appearance, developing low self-esteem or, worse, give rise to eating disorder.”
“This person seems to be asking out of pure selfishness,” Eller adds. “If you’re not attracted to [someone], then don’t waste your time, or theirs – there’s a shoe for every foot, especially in New York City.”
This article first appeared on NY Post and can be read here
Rachel in the media
Heard and Seen on
